New Boyz – You’re A Jerk (One Minute Rule)

Bend Over Just A Little Bit More For The Labels

I was doing my normal panic attack inducing ritual of browsing the Billboard Top 100 when I came across these busters at the 24th spot. Their current masterpiece entitled “You’re A Jerk” is gracing the ears of America this summer and creating a new catch phrase that will flame out well before your shirt featuring the song’s title can arrive to your parent’s your house. At least they’re not trying to fool anybody with their group name. A Google image search of the group actually runs out of pictures of them after the 4th page. That’s pretty damn sad for someone with a nationally syndicated Top 25 (barely) radio hit.

Ok, enough foreplay, for I will now hit play on the New Boyz summer jam…”You’re A Jerk.”

Cobra Starship – Good Girls Go Bad (One Minute Rule)

Well it’s been quite awhile since I’ve done a One Minute Rule post on the blog so I figured I’d dip back in to Billboard and find some more garbage to make fun of. Today’s song is called “Good Girls Go Bad” by a band that took their name from a science fiction themed gay pron movie, Cobra Starship. I’m just gonna get my easy joke out of the way first…did somebody say Cobra Starshit, amirite?

This 3 minutes of dump is currently at the number 10 spot on the Billboard Top 100. Luckily for me, I’ll only be listening to the first minute of it. Hitting play…now.

Kid Cudi – Day ‘N’ Nite (One Minute Rule)

Before looking up a picture of Kid Cudi for this post I really thought that this was going to be a female pop-star of some sort. I’m going to assume that he’s a hip-hop artist which is a pleasant surprise. He looks like he might have more style and may bring something else to the table other than generic rhymes and ringtone-rap hooks. We’ll just have to see. Kid Cudi’s song “Day ‘N’ Nite” is currently at the #12 spot on the Billboard top 100 pop charts. I have my fingers crossed on this one, but I’m not expecting much since it is on the pop charts after all.

On a side note, it appears as though Universal Music Group is saving the music industry from the evil clutches of music consumers once again so I wouldn’t expect to ever see a video for this song here. You can however click here to watch it on YouTube. I’m not sure what good that does UMG, but whatever. Hitting play now…

Drake – Best I Ever Had (One Minute Rule)

After pulling a couple horrifying tunes from Pitchfork’s Best New Tracks, we’re back to the Billboard charts for today’s One Minute Rule. It was a fun journey checking out “music” by groups like Passion Pit and Bowerbirds, but I prefer my shit sugar-coated as opposed to all Pabst-soaked and vegan-y. I will however probably go back there eventually for a little change of pace.

The song “Best I Ever Had” by Drake is currently at the #27 spot on the Top 100. Just for clarification, I’ve never heard of this guy or this song before. I did however, just do a Google image search and there are some pictures where he looks a hell of a lot like Kid Cudi. I’m going to assume that he’s a rapper, but I have been thrown off in the past by R&B singers posing as rappers. Hitting play now…

Passion Pit – Moth’s Wings (One Minute Rule)

Can you guess where I got the song for today’s One Minute Rule? Billboard or Pitchfork? Judging by the abundance of thick-rimmed glasses, chuck taylors, and Goodwill shirts, I hope you said Pitchfork. After one of the Pitchfork writers went to McCarren Park and picked out five random people, he then got them loaded on PBR and threw them in a recording studio. The end result was then put on Pitchfork’s Best New Tracks list.

When choosing from the Billboard Top 100 I used to clarify whether or not I had ever heard of the artist or not, but here…of course I’ve never heard of these fools. Passion Pit? It sounds like the punchline to some old guy’s dirty joke. It sounds like a low-budget porno movie from the 50’s. Either way, it’s time to stop taking pictures for your music blog, put your digital camera in your man purse, and get out those lighters! Yeah! C’mon!

I’m taking a sip from my tall glass of Haterade and hitting play…now.

Bowerbirds – Northern Lights (One Minute Rule)

Don't laugh, her dog just died.

Today I’d thought we’d switch up the One Minute Rule segment a bit from the Billboard Top 100 and check out some recommendations from an equally loathable site, Pitchfork. For those who aren’t in the know about Pitchfork, they’re a website devoted to all things pertaining to the world of indie-rock elitists, while being seemingly completely unaware of how indie-rock elitist they are. Now, I know I have a tendancy to enjoy some strange music sometimes, but these guys consistently take it too damn far and are too damn proud about doing it.

Today’s song is “Northern Lights” by a band called Bowerbirds. At the time I write this, “Northern Lights” is featured as a Best New Track on Pitchfork. Hitting play…now.

The Dream – Rockin’ That Thang (One Minute Rule)

Run D.M.Cheap

Today I’m really in the mood to hear some hip-hop so I chose an artist from the Billboard named The Dream whose song “Rockin’ That Thang” is currently at the #9 spot on the charts for rap singles. As usual, for the record I have never heard of this rapper or this song before. I’m gonna guess that this a club song and probably not gritty in the least bit. Man, I miss the old days when rap was good. Thanks to Universal Music Group, you have to click here to play along on YouTube. Here we go…hitting play now.

Hahaha. Oh damn, that’s a first I think. I actually cracked up instantly. No joke. The Dream is singing in some weird falsetto saying “Girl I’m in luv witcha.” That was really was not what I was expecting at all. There are familiar club keyboard sounds way in the background and dude’s voice is way in the front. So far, whatever he’s singing isn’t catchy at all. Oh boy. I’m only about 10 seconds in and this song is already laughable. Some insane trumpets come in at about 10 seconds and all the while this guy is still setting up his intro.

Shinedown – Second Chance (One Minute Rule)

"If we get dropped, I wonder if I can do night shifts at 7-11?"

Today’s One Minute Rule features a band called Shinedown and their tune called “Second Chance.” I picked them off of the Billboard chart based soley on their band name. It reminds me of the countless rock bands I saw flyers for when I was in high school. Friday night at the VFW! It’s Emanon, Exit 17, and Shinedown! Canned goods will get you $2 off the door price! Be there!

From left to right, the band consists of Somegui Basistieu, two clones of that guy from Monster Magnet, and that one dude from Korn. Thanks in no small part to Satan himself, these fools are currently at the #15 spot on the Billboard top 100. Just for the record, I’ve never heard this song before or any of their other songs. Furthermore, I’m not looking forward to what will most certainly be a horrible experience by breaking my 25 year streak of never having heard anything this band has dumped out. Hitting play now…

Pleasure P – Boyfriend #2 (One Minute Rule)

While scrolling down the top 100 I found a guy who name is Pleasure P. Of course I had to see what all that was about. Today’s song is called “Boyfriend #2″ and is currently at the #47 spot on Billboard. I’m pretty tired as I write this so we’ll see if that’s gonna help or hurt our new friend Pleasure P. Here we go.

Haha. Oh man. Alright, this is gonna be good. This dude is no joke. Straight out of the gate he proclaims “I really wanna fuck that bitch.” I might actually like this guy. 5 seconds in now and P has already stated his intentions of lovemaking in no uncertain terms. We’ve also got some really cool delayed synths in the mix that sound like “Simply Having  A Wonderful Christmas Time.” 10 seconds in now and I have to say, I’m really digging this song. It’s well produced and I also like the handclaps and general laid back vibe of the song. I know it’s probably funnier if I hate the song, but this isn’t too bad.

Plain White T’s – 1,2,3,4 (One Minute Rule)

Hoodies and Jackets.

Today I’m going to force myself to listen to Plain White T’s song “1,2,3,4.” For the record, I have never heard anything by Plain White T’s before and I already hate them. I don’t really know anything about them but I’ve heard their name mentioned before. Judging solely on the above picture I’m gonna guess that they’re pop-punk with a chance of artsy. They’re all from the mid-west and they met in New York while doing some artsy shit. Later, after a short stint on Conan O’Brian, Andy Richter then lost weight and began playing bass for the group (pictured fourth from the left). They are also jacket enthusiasts.

Plain White T’s song “1,2,3,4″ is currently #43 on the Billboard top 100. Hitting play…now.