Plain White T’s – 1,2,3,4 (One Minute Rule)

29 05 2009
plainwhitets

Hoodies and Jackets.

Today I’m going to force myself to listen to Plain White T’s song “1,2,3,4.” For the record, I have never heard anything by Plain White T’s before and I already hate them. I don’t really know anything about them but I’ve heard their name mentioned before. Judging solely on the above picture I’m gonna guess that they’re pop-punk with a chance of artsy. They’re all from the mid-west and they met in New York while doing some artsy shit. Later, after a short stint on Conan O’Brian, Andy Richter then lost weight and began playing bass for the group (pictured fourth from the left). They are also jacket enthusiasts.

Plain White T’s song “1,2,3,4” is currently #43 on the Billboard top 100. Hitting play…now.

2 seconds in. Apparently one of the band members bought a copy of Sgt. Pepper. They managed to surprise me by being terrible in a manner entirely different from how I initially thought they would. Sounds like they used a Fisher-Price keyboard for those terrible strings. It’s like a mix between “Strawberry Fields” and the soundtrack to Super Mario Brothers.

1,2,3,4! And now we’re ripping off John Mayer’s “Heart Of Life.” Maybe this is one of those mash-ups I’ve been hearing about. Paul’s Boutique plagiarized less than this garbage. Isn’t their label worries about lawsuits? Mayer’s lawyers are gonna have a field day with these rookies. All joking aside, I would’ve actually liked this part if John Mayer hadn’t beaten them to the punch.

21 seconds in and the singer steps up to bat. Nothing special about the vocal quality. A slightly disenchanted dude with a less than average voice. Whoa! Hang on here. Rewind. This guy just rhymed “ever had” with “feelin’ sad.” Did he write this junk in the cab on the way to the studio? Is he filling in for the real singer or something? Ok, maybe he’s gonna pull it together in the next couple lines. Let’s keep listening. Oh shit…now we have a “Bad / Mad / Glad” rhyme scheme going on here. What is this, open mic night on the top 100?

Let’s write a Plain White T’s song right now.

1. Throw on a hoodie. Put a jacket on top of said hoodie. Grab your acoustic guitar and pull four chords out of your ass.

2. Go to RhymeZone.com.

3. Profit.

Verdict: I’m cutting this one off 1,2,3,4…20 seconds early.

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