In my constant search for online entertainment, I spend a lot of time on your typical comedy sites like The Onion, Cracked, etc. I then remembered that I haven’t been to College Humor in quite sometime and decided I should see what’s been happening over there lately. Obviously, I was not impressed so I decided to include you in some of my misery. And, as is par for the course with daily comedy websites, I decided to make it a “Top 5 List” for no apparent reason.
1. My Filthy, Stinking Roommate: Some classless D-bag just scans a couple letters from his college RA that he found in reference to how his old roommate smelled bad. I suppose the punchline is that the guy stinks? Perhaps it’s been awhile since I was in college, but I would think that with all the rampant STDs, mind-bending psychedelics, and Dave Matthews Band that a little body odor might not be all that big of a deal. (link)
2. Photos Ruined By The Inquisitive Squirrel: Regular pictures are crudely photoshopped to now include some squirrel in various wacky and unexpected poses. It’s pretty much the online equivalent of America’s Funniest Home Videos jokes. There also appears to be no real answer as to what exactly makes him so inquisitive. (link)
3. Dating, It’s Complicated: Rather than letting someone with actual writing talent run with what could possibly be a decent premise for an article, College Humor instead opted to let regular readers just like you fly this comedy plane right into the fucking ground by sharing your high-larious dating disasters. This leads us to such gems as:
A couple years ago when I was dating my ex, he told me he didn’t believe in medication and that I shouldn’t be on it. I’m bipolar. So when I went off it I had a total breakdown, and crying over the phone, I told him, “This is who I am. Do you still love me?” He was real quiet for a moment, then: “I think you should get back on your medication.”
No way! So let me get this straight…first this girl was on medication…then she went off of it…and then got back on it again!? I hope you saved her email address. You gotta get her on as a full-time writer. And don’t forget, you can send your dating stories to firstname.lastname@example.org. (link)
4. 105%: I have no idea as to why this segment is called 105% but apparently they’re only giving 10% of a shit about it because once again they turn to turn to the average reader for content. However, instead of dating stories, this time they’re featuring jokes that are roughly at the Knock-Knock or Creepy Old Grandpa level of funny. In fact, the only funny thing about these articles is how literal the segment’s mascot is. Not unlike the copy-paste-done nature of it, it’s a god damn robot. (link)
Here is a joke that they actually used to kick off an article with:
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you bore him for a lifetime.
5. Work Sucks, I Know: Yup, you guessed it. They’re turning to their loyal readers once again so they can fill their pages with enough slop to barely keep you coming back. But get this, instead of dating stories or jokes, now they want you to email in stories about your ultra-crazy job experiences! The only thing that would have saved this article would be if this guy is working on some next-level shit by getting paid to write an article about working but not actually working. Unfortunately, I don’t think we’re going to be going to the Andy Kaufman well anytime soon here. You can help this guy get paid again for not doing anything by sending in your stories to email@example.com. (link)
Hey, I got an email for ya:
Back when I was in college, money was really tight. So, to help pay for my textbooks (I really mean beer! LOL!) I had to write for some comedy website. I was pretty worried at first because I had never written anything before in my life, let alone comedy. But, luckily I never had to write any articles at all! All I did was just copy and paste emails that people sent us. To be honest, I didn’t even read half of the emails we got.
College Humor: “Fuck you. Write it yourself.”