New Boyz – You’re A Jerk (One Minute Rule)

12 08 2009

Bend Over Just A Little Bit More For The Labels

Bend Over Just A Little Bit More For The Labels

I was doing my normal panic attack inducing ritual of browsing the Billboard Top 100 when I came across these busters at the 24th spot. Their current masterpiece entitled “You’re A Jerk” is gracing the ears of America this summer and creating a new catch phrase that will flame out well before your shirt featuring the song’s title can arrive to your parent’s your house. At least they’re not trying to fool anybody with their group name. A Google image search of the group actually runs out of pictures of them after the 4th page. That’s pretty damn sad for someone with a nationally syndicated Top 25 (barely) radio hit.

Ok, enough foreplay, for I will now hit play on the New Boyz summer jam…”You’re A Jerk.”

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Cobra Starship – Good Girls Go Bad (One Minute Rule)

7 08 2009

cobra-commander-2008Well it’s been quite awhile since I’ve done a One Minute Rule post on the blog so I figured I’d dip back in to Billboard and find some more garbage to make fun of. Today’s song is called “Good Girls Go Bad” by a band that took their name from a science fiction themed gay pron movie, Cobra Starship. I’m just gonna get my easy joke out of the way first…did somebody say Cobra Starshit, amirite?

This 3 minutes of dump is currently at the number 10 spot on the Billboard Top 100. Luckily for me, I’ll only be listening to the first minute of it. Hitting play…now.

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Kid Cudi – Day ‘N’ Nite (One Minute Rule)

18 07 2009


Before looking up a picture of Kid Cudi for this post I really thought that this was going to be a female pop-star of some sort. I’m going to assume that he’s a hip-hop artist which is a pleasant surprise. He looks like he might have more style and may bring something else to the table other than generic rhymes and ringtone-rap hooks. We’ll just have to see. Kid Cudi’s song “Day ‘N’ Nite” is currently at the #12 spot on the Billboard top 100 pop charts. I have my fingers crossed on this one, but I’m not expecting much since it is on the pop charts after all.

On a side note, it appears as though Universal Music Group is saving the music industry from the evil clutches of music consumers once again so I wouldn’t expect to ever see a video for this song here. You can however click here to watch it on YouTube. I’m not sure what good that does UMG, but whatever. Hitting play now…

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Drake – Best I Ever Had (One Minute Rule)

30 06 2009


After pulling a couple horrifying tunes from Pitchfork’s Best New Tracks, we’re back to the Billboard charts for today’s One Minute Rule. It was a fun journey checking out “music” by groups like Passion Pit and Bowerbirds, but I prefer my shit sugar-coated as opposed to all Pabst-soaked and vegan-y. I will however probably go back there eventually for a little change of pace.

The song “Best I Ever Had” by Drake is currently at the #27 spot on the Top 100. Just for clarification, I’ve never heard of this guy or this song before. I did however, just do a Google image search and there are some pictures where he looks a hell of a lot like Kid Cudi. I’m going to assume that he’s a rapper, but I have been thrown off in the past by R&B singers posing as rappers. Hitting play now…

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Passion Pit – Moth’s Wings (One Minute Rule)

6 06 2009


Can you guess where I got the song for today’s One Minute Rule? Billboard or Pitchfork? Judging by the abundance of thick-rimmed glasses, chuck taylors, and Goodwill shirts, I hope you said Pitchfork. After one of the Pitchfork writers went to McCarren Park and picked out five random people, he then got them loaded on PBR and threw them in a recording studio. The end result was then put on Pitchfork’s Best New Tracks list.

When choosing from the Billboard Top 100 I used to clarify whether or not I had ever heard of the artist or not, but here…of course I’ve never heard of these fools. Passion Pit? It sounds like the punchline to some old guy’s dirty joke. It sounds like a low-budget porno movie from the 50’s. Either way, it’s time to stop taking pictures for your music blog, put your digital camera in your man purse, and get out those lighters! Yeah! C’mon!

I’m taking a sip from my tall glass of Haterade and hitting play…now.

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Bowerbirds – Northern Lights (One Minute Rule)

4 06 2009

Don't laugh, her dog just died.

Today I’d thought we’d switch up the One Minute Rule segment a bit from the Billboard Top 100 and check out some recommendations from an equally loathable site, Pitchfork. For those who aren’t in the know about Pitchfork, they’re a website devoted to all things pertaining to the world of indie-rock elitists, while being seemingly completely unaware of how indie-rock elitist they are. Now, I know I have a tendancy to enjoy some strange music sometimes, but these guys consistently take it too damn far and are too damn proud about doing it.

Today’s song is “Northern Lights” by a band called Bowerbirds. At the time I write this, “Northern Lights” is featured as a Best New Track on Pitchfork. Hitting play…now.

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The Dream – Rockin’ That Thang (One Minute Rule)

3 06 2009
the dream

Run D.M.Cheap

Today I’m really in the mood to hear some hip-hop so I chose an artist from the Billboard named The Dream whose song “Rockin’ That Thang” is currently at the #9 spot on the charts for rap singles. As usual, for the record I have never heard of this rapper or this song before. I’m gonna guess that this a club song and probably not gritty in the least bit. Man, I miss the old days when rap was good. Thanks to Universal Music Group, you have to click here to play along on YouTube. Here we go…hitting play now.

Hahaha. Oh damn, that’s a first I think. I actually cracked up instantly. No joke. The Dream is singing in some weird falsetto saying “Girl I’m in luv witcha.” That was really was not what I was expecting at all. There are familiar club keyboard sounds way in the background and dude’s voice is way in the front. So far, whatever he’s singing isn’t catchy at all. Oh boy. I’m only about 10 seconds in and this song is already laughable. Some insane trumpets come in at about 10 seconds and all the while this guy is still setting up his intro.

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